“This is the most common example of disconnection between wants and desires, and it has nothing to do with the person you are with.”
I want to want sex
by Melissa Bradfield, 12/8/22
Wanting sex and desiring sex do not always equal. Many people experience a disconnect between the wanting and the desiring at some point in their life. Have you ever said or thought, “I just want to want sex.” This is the most common example of disconnection between wants and desires, and it has nothing to do with how much you love the person you’re with. In fact, the more you love the person you’re with, the more difficult the disconnection between want and desire can be.
So the question is, how do you bridge the gap? What is important to know is that although this gap may be a new thing for you or an old thing you’re just tired of, know that it’s common, normal even, and there is nothing wrong with you. If you’re one of those people reading this and thinking, “but it didn’t use to be this way. I use to want sex all the time. This isn’t my normal!”
Great news!! Like seasons change, so do our desires. As we age, we can see some of those changes like the skin which starts to wrinkle and hair color that changes and not because we saw the hairdresser; then we have those parts we can’t see. Sometimes these changes can be due to hormonal fluctuations or the use of medications just to name a few. In either case, closing the gap between wants and desires is the same regardless of the cause.
What can you do to start closing the gap now? First, pay attention to the rare occasion you do get turned on or feel that desire. Is it spontaneous? Is it responsive? If feeling desire doesn’t happen for you at all, then pay attention to when your partner initiates; does the feeling of desire come once the right buttons are pushed? If so, what are those buttons, if not, please don’t worry there is more discovery we can do together, and find where your desire is hiding.
Once you’ve determined that desire does actually exist inside you still, now it’s time to pay attention to the circumstances surrounding that desire. Is the kitchen clean? Are there still chores to do or did they get done? Did your partner give the kids a bath so you could freshen up? Is work done for the day, or do you still have a deadline to meet? Go down your checklist to see what factors created the circumstance for you to experience desire. Then see if it can be repeated.
These can be challenging to do on your own, and that’s why sex therapy exists. I am here to support you through these challenges, to help give you clarity on your struggles, and to celebrate your wins.